"…there is no creature hidden from His sight, but all things are naked and open to the eyes of Him to whom we must give account." [Hebrews 4:12-13]
Time stands still when reflections in mirrors leave you feeling lost. Lost to who you were, for sure, but more so, lost from the person you thought you’d be by now. When visions died in the wilderness and the valley’s redefined you, and you wake up in unfamiliar skin. When “death to self” is literal for the sake of the life pressed against you. When you wake up wondering who you are, there is but one place to be. On your knees.
I didn’t expect this inner crisis, not yet anyway. You hear of it swaying people to the extremes, but I didn’t feel extreme, I just felt lost. I wanted to study the reflections of my heart in the mirror that the Holy Spirit was holding up for me, but I kept allowing myself to be distracted. He kept telling me to focus but I kept finding reasons not to. Filling my time with lots of good things because I was afraid to stare deep into the truth of better things. He is patient with me.
I finally give way to His patient pursuit as I turn full face to the truth. The truth that I am not really lost. No, not lost, but rather found…hiding. I didn’t get a congratulatory honor for this revelation, I got to bathe in humility once again. To see my surroundings in this reflection, revealed the cave I have been carving for myself. The cave of comfortable, predictable, mundane. The cave of doubts and fears of inadequacy. The cave of excuses and old chains. The cave where I tell myself the proverbial lies I once believed. The cave where I have been purposefully hiding.
We all hide for different reasons in different seasons.
In order to see who we are, who we are becoming in Christ, we have to get clear about who we are not, since the ideals of who we thought we’d be will probably die in His reality. Honestly, we would rather wander, lost, than admit who we aren’t. We really like the version of ourselves that we created in our heads, the person who we thought would be more valued, would be more respected. We use comparison and compromise and control to create ourselves. We use our wounds and our survival as identity building blocks, and we learn young to trust ourselves more than anyone else, even our God. We like the check-list, the works list, the achievements list to define ourselves, but what about the list God has for us? After all, it’s the shortest one. “…believe in the Lord Jesus and you will be saved…” [Acts 16:31]
Do we hide because we’re afraid, or really, do we hide because we lack faith?
When you call out to Jesus and ask Him to transform your life, He does. He strips all of those old things and speaks new life into you. We exchange our scripts for His, but at some point it will all pivot on faith. We either run toward or run away, and for me, when faith was all I had, I ran away. I hid, less because I am a coward, more because I didn’t know if I trusted God more than I trusted me. I knew He would be God and do His thing, but not really that He had something good for me. I am “queen” of my shadows, but God is The King of it all, and I had to believe He was good being King of me.
Having faith in Christ brings a whole new life. Our real self is wrapped in humility, with all the strengths and weaknesses dependent on what the Creator had in mind. We balk and resist the truth of who we are in Him, because we can see all of what we are through His eyes. We obsess about our insufficiency, like Moses did when he rebuts God’s beautiful plan with, "but I am not..." [Exodus 3] We must realize that when we see ourselves through Gods eyes and all of our weakness', we have the opportunity to shine Gods power and strength. When all we can see is weakness, we must remember that all God sees is opportunity. His response to us is always, "But, I Am". In this place of humility, we are able to surrender all that we are, all of our inadequacies at the cross, and kneel to receive all of the adequacy that God gives through Christ, because the reality is, Christ is all we need. It is in this place that Paul exclaims, "I boast all the more in my weaknesses so that the power of Christ will rest upon me." [2 Corinthians 12:9].
We can’t hide in the shadows of our life reciting in our prayers that we aren’t enough, that we need something more before we can move, because God will always remind us He is more than enough. This is a place where He tests our faith. He tests if we believe He is good, believe He is enough. He is good and He is enough, but if we don’t mix faith with the truth we have heard, what good is it to us?
"For indeed the gospel was preached to us as well as to them; but the word which they heard did not profit them, not being mixed with faith in those who heard it…Since therefore it remains that some must enter it, and those to whom it was first preached did not enter because of disobedience…" [Hebrews 4:2, 6 NKJV]
Looking deeper for a moment, the underside of belief is acceptance. See, the reason we run or hide is because all that God asks of us can’t be done without Him. We want the predictable, achievable list so that we can check it off as we go and post it somewhere for everyone else to see. But when we stand with no lists, just Jesus, we don’t get the glory or the respect we think we need. I am not a professional in anything. I don’t have a box of trophies or ribbons for anything. It chokes my flesh to admit, that I don’t have the degree, the certificate, the success. I don’t have adventures to share or experiences to boast. I have become the nobody I always feared in order to be somebody for Jesus.
I made A GREAT EXCHANGE a long time ago, and every day since then.
It's a daily surrender.
Admitting my insufficiencies cause me to mourn the sins that so grieves my God, but through my insufficiencies I have discovered the ALL-SUFFICIENCY of God. Admitting my weakness’ causes me to receive His power to persevere, to step out into the light and do what He has asked of me. Admitting who I am not, or am not anymore, causes me to accept who I am now, and the freedom that He died for me to receive. He gets all the glory that is due His name and when we all give glory to God, we bring His kingdom here to change the world.
That’s why this blog and my little bits of song.
I know His presence changes everything and we desperately need heavenly change everywhere. It’s a kingdom investment that I have made. I have lost a lot along the way, but what I have found is far greater.
We are so loved.
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